May 7th, 2002


what if.................

i am pregnant. what if this is all in my head. haha. I talked to Justin's mommy tonight and told her of the "spotting" (which I have never had before) and she said she did the same thing when she got pregnant with thats great. thanks for the reassurance. haha. I guess I shall just wait until next week and then take thee dreaded test. I'm sure it will come out negative and all this worrying is for nothing. Justin and I have already discussed everything that will happen if it comes out positive though...the biggest thing was moving into a two bedroom apartment, which is a must for me b/c I have to decorate the nursery..its just a thing to do when your a "first time mommy" hahah. I will have it no other way. That is really the only "big" thing we would have to worry about right now...except for the fact that we are never going to be alone again until we are old. blah. I sound really selfish...but I want things to be done, and I want it done right..that is why I am not ready for a baby now. I want it all to be perfect, and I want to have everything ready...and its no where near perfect nor ready. If I am to be pregnant than it is gods plan and Justin told me tonight "god only gives you what you can handle" and this I know is true. All the material things wont even matter to that baby...just love...and a baby is truly a blessing and a miracle from god. I keep going back and forth in my head here. sorry if i am confusing. Justin is already talking about buying cigars and handing them out when we go home at the end of may (leave is on again) and I just sat there and looked at him like he was crazy. Then I started crying, b/c I am truly scared to death. I talk about babies 24/7, I read endless diaries about them, I am obsessed w/names...but the whole "idea" and actually "having" is totally different. Our lives will be changed forever and I dont know that I'm ready for that. I guess if I am, I will just have to get ready...b/c I dont have a choice. I don't know I'm going freaking crazy right now. I have thought I was pregnant a billion times before, but not like this. Hopefully...Amanda..will be right and it is all in my head. :)

ps: i have a sharp pain in my left boob and it hurts like hell, is that a sign or am i having a heart attack. lol. bye.
  • Current Music
    friday i'm in love -the cure

a survey using Jewel songs.........

1. Are you male or female? *to be respected and be a girl* (Im Sensitive)

2. Describe yourself:*im your angel standing by.*

3. Describe your friends: *do you want to play?*

4. How do your friends feel about you? *smoking your cigarettes, and talking over coffee* (Foolish Games)

5. Describe your family: *ya know they love yah, but not b/c they hold ya* (Fat Boy)

6. How do you feel about yourself?*for innocence can't be lost, it just needs to be maintained* (Innocence Maintained)

7. Describe your husband: *say that you'll stay forever this way. forever and forever. that we'll never have to change. dont move. dont breathe. dont change. dont leave. and promise me. say you will stay. we'll stay. this way* (This Way)

8. What would you rather be doing?*let the phone ring. lets go back to sleep. let the world spin outside our door. your the only one i wanna see. tell your boss your sick, hurry get back in im getting cold. get over here and warm my hands up boy its you they love to hold* (Morning Song)

9. Describe where you live: *people living their lives for you on tv they say their better than you and you agree* (Who Will Save Your Soul)

10. Describe how you love: *and I do not understand why a woman can't just love a man* (Grey Matter)

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Sometimes It Be That Way. ;)

yay. wasnt that fun!

life in numbers...

age I am --21

people i have slept with--3

age when i lost my virginity--16

times i have been in love--hmm. i'd say twice.

time i have had my heart broken-- seriously once. but i'd say about 4 other times.

hearts i have broken-- 2 i know of.

months i have been single-- the longest I had been single from my first boyfriend was 3 months.

continents i have visited-- just n. america.

age when i first flew all alone-- haha. 20.

number of boys i have kissed-- umm. i think only 6.

number of girls i have kissed-- 0. unless it was a dare to give a peck and those dont count.

number of things that would technically be classed as suicide attempts but actually weren't-- once.

types of drugs taken illegally-- marijuana

drugs i am addicted to right now-- does nicotine count?

number of people i would classify as true, i could trust with my life type friends-- hmm. 5

number of piercings--5 (all in my ears)

number of tattoos-0

number of times my name has appeared on film credits-- about. 23. haha .j/k.

number of times i have feared for my safety whilst walking around London at night-- never been.

number of times a girl/boyfriend has made me scared of what s/he could do to me physically-- w/my one psycho boyfriend, that was a everyday occurance..and jussy has scared me a couple times b/c he gets so loud.

number of things in my past that I regret-- not many.
  • Current Music
    dont know why -Norah Jones